This is 34.

This essay is about how I feel entering a new chapter. I don’t know…maybe it’s a love letter to myself. So, I have no desire to meet MLA or APA guidelines. I have no desire to have all the right transitional sentences or words. I’m just motivated to write about what I'm feeling right now. Not to miss any thoughts that cross my mind.

To be honest, I wanted to spend more time writing this. I wanted to treat this piece like other essays I’ve written. First, I receive an idea. Then, do some intentional living, praying, searching, and of course research. I take time to explore my personal connection to the topic so what I write, say, preach, and dream is already in me. But the best part about this specific piece is that I am the topic. A topic I know better than anyone else. More importantly, there are not many moments where I feel confident enough to share what I write without days or even weeks of sitting and editing my work. So, this is new.

This is 34.

I've made some promises to myself, and I've come to understand that promises always come with requirements. I promised  myself I would only put things into the world that matter to me. This requires sharing parts of me I wouldn’t typically disclose. This  requires time to think and not feel so much pressure to produce and meet demands.  I also promised myself I would step boldly in my power, and one of my superpowers is writing. 

These requirements are a bit complicated though.  Because it’s never easy to be vulnerable when people could care less about how you feel. It’s never easy to give people access to your inner thoughts and dreams. It’s never easy to share parts of you when you’ve been neglected and overlooked. It’s never easy to step into your power when systems and people on payroll try to make sure you never realize it. I sometimes experience short and long moments of questioning myself. I sometimes stay in my head and fear creeps in.

Yet, I don’t give up. 

I also don’t stop thinking about the health of my parents, the future of my nieces and nephews, the mental state of my sisters and friends, and the unity of my family. I still get angry because the people who love me have been chronically mistreated. Oftentimes my thoughts and promises I made to myself are interrupted by anger of how this world treats Black people…everywhere. The lack of care and respect forces me to rekindle and also keep going. The promises I made to myself are not disconnected from the people and places I love and who love me, and so I can’t give up.

I love that I can walk into this chapter knowing what happens when I keep going…when I keep writing. I’ve seen rules, policies, and curriculum change. I’ve seen people rise to the occasion and stand up for themselves. I’ve seen people begin to treat those closest to them with love and care. I’ve heard people begin to ask questions and move in a new way. I’ve been able to not tolerate people but experience them, and hear God more clearly.

There is much more to see, write, say, and disrupt. There are so many more places to go. So, in this chapter, I continue to only go after the things that matter to me.  

This is 34.